Wednesday, August 24, 2011

It's Not Gonna Get Any Easier...

I keep waiting for a break in my schedule, a few weeks where I can really focus on eating right and working out every day, and hopefully that would get the scale down enough that I didn't have to deal with it bouncing up to 150 every Monday morning.

But I don't see that happening any time soon, and it's almost to the point of being frustrating. I really do enjoy my weekends, I get to spend them with Randy, we do fun things around DC, friends come visit me. It's a great time! Until I see the aftermath of it, the scale has been above 150 for 3 days in a row as of today. Something that hasn't happened in a while. And it upsets me, even though I wouldn't really do anything differently this weekend. It really was the beer that put me over, that's what happens at a Beer festival!

I don't want to have to choose between having a good time and enjoy my weekends, and being healthy. I REFUSE, absolutely REFUSE!!!! to gain any of this weight back. But it's crept back a tiny bit since June, only 2 or so pounds, and I can usually get the scale back around 148 if I'm good Mon-Thurs. But it bounces right back up again come Monday. So, I do I have to choose?

Either I say, screw it, I'm sticking around 150 and as long as I'm not higher than that by more than a pound, it's good. It's maintaining over 65 lbs of weight loss. I guess I can be happy about that. But I'm still left unsatisfied because I'm not where I want to be. I'm still sucking in a bit when I wear some of my more fitted tops. And there's definitely a muffin top in my fitted size 6 NY&Co jeans that I HATE! And I still don't feel completely confident in a bikini. AND I WANT TO! I want to be happy about all those things. And the only way to get there is to lose the last couple pounds I've been holding on to. I was all excited in June that I might actually do it. I was down to 147, it stays there for a good 2 weeks, and then I get sent on my business trip and everything collapsed from there.

I'd love a few weeks where I didn't have to worry about any of it, but that's not realistic at all. I'm already looking at a chaotic Fall because of several trips up to Jersey for a friend's wedding stuff, my sister's birthday, my birthday (probably going away for the weekend with Randy), and people wanting to visit me and me going to visit people. There's not way I can hide for 3 weeks and get my weight back down. So I'm just going to have to do it amid all the chaos. I'm not 100% sure how yet tho...

My first intention is to reel in eating crap for an entire weekend just because I'm not home with my usual supply of healthy food. I've been staying over Randy's a lot more. I'm gonna have to start stashing snacks or something there. And when we eat out, I need to stop automatically picking something unhealthy just because we're out. There're are plenty of healthier choices out there that I can go with, and he's never said no when I ask not to go somewhere because of not being able to find something healthy.

The second thing I'm gonna have to do is really focus on the workouts. I haven't been getting to the gym as much as I should, usually only that once a week with my trainer. I need to start going at least one or two more times during the week and get some good cardio in. Turbo Fire is good and all, but it's not the same as an interval run or something. At least it'll be fall and I can run outside again as much as possible.

So, there you have it. My confession. I've slacked off and I'll admit it. I just didn't have the same motivation the last few weeks and it seems it's caught up to me. I also need to stop buying gouda cheese from Trader Joes and eating a few ounces of it with crackers at night. That CAN'T be helping right now. Ugh, kinda makes me want to throw things and tell everyone to leave me alone for a month so I can lose 5 pounds and be happier. But I know it's dangerous to tie my happiness to my weight. I just need to focus, find the positive in things, and keep chugging along. God, how I want to see 140 on the scale, but I don't know if it's gonna happen, and that sucks. I'm not admitting defeat, I'm just admitting that it's a tough road ahead if I ever want to see that number. I've just got to be willing to do it... not sure if I am right now, but I'm gonna try.

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