Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Nagging Little Insecurities

Lately I've noticed that I've been feeling really anxious, and I haven't quite been able to put my finger on why. I just can't seem to completely relax, let things happen on their own, or be completely happy in the moment. It's only gotten worse in the last few days and I think I'm closing in on the reason.
So, as you all know, the scale has been somewhat unexplainably stuck. I've been right around 150 since New Years, and now two months later, I don't really have much to show for what i've done so far in 2011. It's disheartening when I was having such great progress last year to (somewhat) all of a sudden hit a wall. I'd be happier if I was still losing inches, which happened in January but I didn't lose any inches in February. I think a part of my brain is starting to get scared that I'm stuck forever. 2 months is a long time in my book, I'm someone who like to see a tangible result from my efforts. And I'm just not as much anymore.
I'm still happy about how I look... for the most part. My stomach still needs to shrink and that's what I'm hoping losing 10-15 more lbs will do. I don't want to look like the chubby girl in the bikini, I want to look normal. Maybe that's what I'm dying to get to... normal. I don't want to have to suck in whenever I'm wearing my size small shirts so I don't have a muffin top sticking out. I want to be able to run a 5K without stopping. My stupid lungs are still catching up to the rest of me now that I have my inhaler to use. I want to feel attractive in anything I try on and that still doesn't happen. And if I'm not losing weight I don't know how I'll get there. 
I've been trying to work out more intensely the last week with running, haven't seen the results on the scale yet because TOM is a bitch and the results are hiding. I just want it to move! It moved all right, up to 151 this week. Did I mention TOM is a bitch? I'm hoping it goes right back down again in the next few days, and keeps going! I've been much better with eating and I'm going to try really hard this weekend with my family to eat in moderation and pick salads and stuff.
The other thing I've been insecure about is how well things are going with my boyfriend. I finally got my life together enough to date (didn't happen in college) and I found an amazing guy. But that nagging thought in the back of my head that for some reason, I'll screw it up. I'm still not 100% confident in myself to think otherwise. It's all a lot to balance, and I know that I don't have any reason to worry about stuff (honestly, he's a great guy and we get alone fine). But I can't shake the thought.
So, in short, I've been stressing out over every little thing because I'm just worried I'll screw it all up and that I won't get to my goals. I know I've given the scale entirely too much power in my brain, but I'm an engineer, numbers define success. And I shouldn't let it. I just need to keep moving forward with what I'm doing and hope for the best. I'm eating right and working out and maybe I'll be surprised when I take measurements next week. I'm not so certain tho. Maybe by then the scale will have moved. Even if it's going down slowly, I'll be so much less anxious if it's at least moving down.
I just had to vent on my frustrations, the boyfriend is super busy at work (partly I'm upset because I can't see him all week with the overtime working) and I'm stuck at my desk at work. I've already decided to take a mental day on Friday. My family is visiting this weekend and I don't think I can handle it if i don't take a day to get myself together. 

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