Lately I've been thinking a lot about the future. I've always wanted to have my entire life planned out. I mean, I basically have the job I wanted when I was 7! Who actually does that? I wanted to work on things that go into space, now I'm a satellite engineer. And I've been neurotically planning for all of that since I was 7! It was all part of the master plan for a perfect life.There were a few minor details missing though. One of them is the reason I'm here, how I felt about my job and school and brains didn't match with how I felt about my body.
I've never been skinny. Or normal for that matter. Or comfortable in my own skin. EVER. I can remember back to ballet class when I was 9 or 10 and hating having to wear a leotard and tights. I also got kicked out of ballet class for bad behavior, but that's another story unrelated to all this... haha. College didn't do much to help with how I thought about how I looked because I was so busy, never had time to workout, the dining hall food was delicious and calorific and plentiful. I easily gain 40 pounds while I was in school! 2 degrees in engineering, lots of independence, and 40 pounds. Rough tradeoff.
Now that I've had time to get my life in order, I can tackle my last remaining issues. 1 year later and I've lost 61 pounds and counting. Yet another life goal is within reach... a healthy weight! I didn't realize how much my weight was tied to everything else in my life.I have a more positive attitude (which was actually written up in my employee performance review, "upbeat personaility and positive attitude". I mean, I wasn't Oscar the Grouch before, but I wasn't Little Miss Sunshine either.) I'm not really afraid to approach or talk to people, and I love to talk. I'm treated better in general, especially by guys. Society kind of sucks like that, where you have to be thin and pretty to get noticed. I feel PRETTY! Honestly, that's the biggest change. I've never really felt attractive, or thought I had a pretty face. Now I'm looking in the mirror and I finally see it! And I think because I finally realized it, other guys have picked up on my confidence and now I'm seeing someone! I've never really done a long term relationship before, so this month of casually dating is a world record. And I'm just going to enjoy it. I was stressing out about figuring out exactly what's going on and defining it and all that crap, and I just need to enjoy it. It'll work itself out.
And I realized, the same goes for losing weight. I could be obsessive complusive (like I am about most things), stick to the plan 24/7 and get to my goal weight as fast as possible. Or I can take a step back, enjoy a few weekends visiting friends and family, have a damn cupcake every now and then (red velvet... mmmmmm), take a night off for a date in which I don't pick the lowest calorie option and skip the beer (because that's no fun on a date!). In short, I'd rather LIVE than live to lose weight. At this point, I'm already pretty small, even for 154 pounds. I'm a size 8 and a small/medium on top. I'm close to where I want to be and getting there a month sooner won't do much. I'm just working on flattening out my stomach before I have to put on a bikini again and shrinking my legs and arms (so far so good!, skin appears to be snapping back gradually). So at this point, I'm not at an all out sprint for the finish line. What's really waiting for me there? I'm already so much happier than when I started! Yes, a size 4 would rock, so would a healthy BMI. But I WILL get there, I'm just stopping to smell the roses or whatever... haha. As long as my weight is on a downward trend while I'm enjoying life, I'm happy with it. My goal was 140 by February. That's 3 months to lose 14 pounds. I don't have to break my neck to be on that pace. After that, it's bonus pounds til the summer time when I'm finally smokin' hot in a bikini while sailing on the Potomac River (assuming I'm still dating this guy...)
All while I'm thinking this, a lot of "what ifs" enter my brain. What if my body hates me and gets stuck at a higher weight? What if things don't work out with this guy? What if my legs don't shrink enough for size 4 jeans? What if my stomach is still kinda flabby from loose skin when I'm done? Or my arms? What if lose my motivation? My answer to that is to STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! Maybe it'll all work out perfectly like my life plan usually does. Or I'll have to take a detour. Or I'll just have to deal with what I get. I'll figure it out. I think that's one of the things I've learned from all of this, it doesn't have to be perfect or a sprint to the finish. I just have to be happy. And I am. FINALLY!