Lots of Little Voices

The voices inside my head really need to stop getting to me.

There's the inner fat girl, that keeps thinking that food is the answer to problems. "I'm stressed, let's eat something. I'm going out with friends, lets drink 3 beers and having an unhealthy dinner. It doesn't matter, you'll eventually get back on track." Or that sees the number on the scale creeping upward and freaks out because I don't ever want to get back (or even start moving towards) where I started with all of this.

And then there's the inner healthy girl, that keeps trying to tell the inner fat girl to shut up. "I've been doing this for a year and a half, it's not impossible, it's not even that painful anymore. Just get off your lazy butt and workout! Put down the extra beer, or the cupcake! Back away slowly..." She's always trying to get me back on track.

Inner OCD girl is freaking out lately. "Oh my god, I can't handle this schedule, or lack there of. I need normalcy! I need to workout every single day and eat the exact same thing or I'll gain weight! Or even worse, I won't lose it." I crave schedules and normalcy and knowing exactly what situation I'm going to be in and how to handle it.

And lately, my inner Social Butterfly has been screwing with all three of those other girls. "I love to go out with my boyfriend and my kickball team and my friends visiting me. A few meals out and a few nights at the bar won't hurt. You can't be a hermit forever" And that's partly true, but I also don't need to take that as an invitation to go crazy. And in the entire month of July, that's how it's been. I started out at 147 right before I went on my business trip. I came back and got it almost all the way back down. But with each passing weekend, the scale would be higher and higher on Monday and it wouldn't get as low by Thursday. So now I'm at the point where it's Thursday, and I'm 151.4.

So it appears I have a small Greek Chorus inside my head that just won't shutup, you can see how I get stressed out. But I've got to learn to balance it all! Yes, I can still go out and be social. No, I can't eat crap just because it's there. And no, inner skinny girl, you don't have to feel guilty about one beer or one meal in a restaurant. And OCD girl, put a lid on it, you'll be back to your normal schedule on Monday!!!

Right now, I think my inner skinny girl needs to take the lead, keep me on track, and stop me from freaking out over every little situation. The scale will start coming down again and I have every intention of keeping it down. August is shaping up to be much calmer, minimal trips and I think only one visitor (my sister who can't go to bars anyway). But I still want to go out, enjoy my weekends, and not completely deprive myself. I just need to get smart about it. I've felt like complete crap the last week, and the scale has a lot to do with it. I HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seeing 150+. It's just such a mental block for me that I get really frustrated thinking about it. The 140s is at least one digit closer to my goal of 140. I still feel like 150 sounds "fat" and I don't know why. And I think I still look a little chunky and I hate that. I'm in the best shape ever, but I still focus on the less than flat stomach. Maybe it won't ever go away, but I won't give up trying. It really was getting better when I got down to 147, so if I keep going it can only improve.

So the bottom line is that I focus way too much on weight. And I don't really know how to stop it. And no, I can't put away my scale. I've found that I go COMPLETELY off track when I don't have a scale to keep me in check on a regular basis. It's a daily reminder to get back into my healthy habits if it goes up or to keep doing what I'm doing if it goes down. Maybe one day I'll be able to move away from it, but not now. I really hope I can get to the point where I'm happy with where I'm at and I can stop obsessing so much. It's really draining to focus on it all the time, and then beat myself up about it when I slip up. It's a major factor in the stress I've been feeling all week and I don't handle stress in the best ways.

Anyway, I'm rambling now, it's just writing down all the crap I've had in my head that no one else really understands. I just need to start fresh, on the proverbial Monday. I'm hoping these extra 4 pounds are sodium from all the crap food I had in the last week and TOM. They need to go away as fast as they came on...