Tuesday, February 7, 2012

My Own Worst Enemy

It seems like every time I get a good routine going and lose a few pounds, I immediately start to get a little to complacent and I blow it. Of course it happened again this past weekend with eating out too much. I did great all week, didn't cheat at all, and managed to lose 1.8 lbs by Friday over the previous 2 weeks. Then I ate out Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday lunch and Sunday dinner. UGH! Sodium bomb, even though I tried to make good food choices. Plus I drank Saturday and Sunday night (a few beers each night).

There's not much point in doing so well Mon-Thurs or Friday just to blow it every single weekend. It's start to piss me off, even though I know it's something completely under my control. I spend the weekends with my boyfriend, we pretty much spend every Saturday night going out for dinner and drinks. It's how we relax and unwind after working all week and get to spend some time together. Honestly, it's not really something I'm willing to change. I just need to do better in those situations. It also doesn't help that I screwed up Friday and Sunday night too. If I'm gonna let myself have a treat once a week, it needs to stay at once a week. Not 3 days in a row.

I really want to get to my intial goal of 150 by the end of the month, but I just beat myself up about little slip ups that I know I can avoid. Honestly, I expect better of myself and it just makes me angry that I don't follow through with it. I just want these 5 pounds gone so I can be content again. And I know it's me being fixated on the scale again, but trust me, I'm not building muscle to make up for it since I do mostly cardio for exercise. It's my own indulgences and water weight (or pizza weight...).

Another thing that also really gets on my nerves is that I can't handle the same diet that someone who has always been a lower weight can. If I want to maintain my weight, I need to eat below what is really estimated as maintenance calories. Maybe my metabolism hasn't caught up yet, maybe it just sucks to begin with and it's not going to change. But I can't stand that other people can eat what the want, kind of exercise, and stay the same weight. If I let myself do that, I'd gain weight back (and I did for a few months by adding about 10 pounds from my lowest weight that I hit over the summer). I'm not asking to be 5'2" and 110 pounds. I just want to be a healthy 140. But after being considerably overweight my entire life, I just don't know if that's ever going to happen. Maybe if I had no life, no boyfriend and no desire to ever go anywhere but the gym, work and home. But that's completely unrealistic. I just need to do the best I can and hope that it gets me somewhere near 140. I'll take 145! Lately, I'm starting to think I'll take 150. I'm just still not happy with how I look, and it was better when I was in the 140s. It'll never be perfect, but if I can't reel in the bad habits, I have no chance of getting there.

Sorry if this is a bit of a melancholy post, but I know people like it when they get an honest picture of what this journey is really like. I've been doing this for 2 years this month now, lost about 60 pounds at this point. It's starting to get exhausting to do this day in and day out... I really hope I don't have to workout 5 days a week and eat 1200 calories a day forever to stay this way...

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